NICK SCULLY

Nothing seemed to be moving as the cars made their way through the small town of Hillcrest, Nebraska.  No one was on Main Street when the long black car with its orange flags led the other cars in the procession.  No sounds could be heard, save the low hum of engines emanating from the mourning parade to the cemetery.  Orange stickers in windshields distinguished these cars from others, but it did not matter.  They did not meet any other cars on the road in the mid-day heat. 

           

When the hearse passed through the wrought-iron gates of Seven Holy Tombs Cemetery, an employee motioned for the procession to turn left.  After slowly winding through the headstones dotting the grass, the hearse stopped by a freshly-dug grave.  The cars parked nearby, and the townspeople gathered around the casket, now set hovering above the gash in the earth. Nobody seemed to notice the young woman in a plain blue dress standing a few plots away.

 

The pallbearers removed their gloves and left them on top of the casket.  The minister stood behind the headstone and took a small prayer book from his pocket.  After a look of sympathy to the two women crying into the shoulders of their husband and father—who was holding them close as silent tears ran down his face—the minister opened his book.  He began:

 

“Let us commend the body of Katelyn to the mercy of God.”  He looked down to read from his pocket book: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen”

The congregation uttered a quiet “Amen.”

 

The minister continued, “Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whosoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?’”

 

In unison they responded, “I do.” 

 

The priest pulled the wand from the small bucket of holy water near his feet and started to sprinkle the casket with holy water as he recited: “Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord. And let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.” 

 

Again they said, “Amen,” but this time a few stray sobs could be heard through the crowd.

 

He replaced the wand and continued, “May her soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.”

 

“Amen.”

 

The priest closed his book and clasped his hands behind his back.  He quickly surveyed the crowd, and then said to them, “This concludes our services. As the body is being lowered into the ground, you may leave a flower—” he gestured to the basket of roses a few feet away, “—on the casket before returning to your cars.  The Armstrong family invites all of you to join them at The Irish Manor off Main Street for lunch.  They wish to express their deepest gratitude for your presence today and in the past few days.”

 

Slowly, the crowd of people started to disperse, some leaving roses on the casket, some stopping to give condolences to the Armstrongs, others just simply going to their cars.  After a short while, the only people left were the cemetery workers and the young woman in blue.  Not noticing her, the men gathered everything into their dirty pickup truck and slowly drove away. 

 

The woman tentatively made her way over to the newly erected headstone.  It was about half her size, with a black cross etched into the top of the gray marble.  Beneath this it said:

“She passed through glory’s morning gate

and walked in paradise.

May God grant you eternal rest,

daughter, sister, and friend

Katelyn M. Armstrong

 1985-2010”

 

The woman fell to her knees, reading the epitaph.  She reached a hand toward it like she wanted to stroke the ridges of the letters, but dropped it.  She knew she could not touch the headstone any more than she could hug her poor, crying mother.  Wiping a tear from her face, Katelyn stood and turned away from her own tombstone.  She walked down the gentle slope to the little road, but never made it.  Instead, the world around her slowly dissolved—and she found herself in a place not of this earth. 

 

 

Katelyn didn’t know how long she had been walking, but it felt like an eternity.  She wasn’t sure where she was; there was no color around her, only white.  No sun in the sky, no clouds, no trees.  All she did know was that she was walking down a path and she could not turn back. 

And then, in the distance, an image appeared.  It materialized before her like a big, floating television screen. 

 

In the image, Katelyn saw the room she had grown up in.  A couple of old posters from high school were still on the walls, Backstreet Boys and N*SYNC and Audrey Hepburn.  Her grandfather’s old desk had been moved in and repainted for her so she could have a work space, but it was mainly covered in clothes, loose papers, and other randomly assorted items. 

 

The room was still the light purple color she had picked out in the fourth grade, when they repainted the whole house.  Katelyn’s younger sister Alyssa had picked a pink color first for her own room, so Katelyn, not wanting to seem like she was copying, picked out a shade of lavender from the little paint color cards. 

 

The fluffy blue chair that used to entertain friends was still in the corner, piled with even more clothes and a few makeup products.  The bed was made, covered in modest cream colored sheets, and was pretty much the only neat thing about the room. 

 

Katelyn saw herself walking into the room.  Katelyn was twenty five, and had been living at home after college to save money.  She had just come home from a long Friday at work.  She worked at the local bank, but had been trying to apply for any out-of-town job she came across. 

 

After dropping her bag on the bed, Katelyn went into the kitchen where her mother was cooking dinner.  A medium-sized brown shipping box sat in the middle of the table.  She could see the little white square label with the name “Katelyn Armstrong” printed on it.  “Hi Mom,” she said, sitting down at the table.  “Smells great, what are you making?”

 

“Oh hi, honey,” her mother said.  “Just some chili.”

 

“Mmm, I love your chili,” Katelyn said, licking her lips.

 

“Old family recipe, dear,” she said, squinting one eye and shaking her wooden spoon in an imitation of her own mother.  “So, am I allowed to know what’s in your little package?”

 

“Fine,” Katelyn said as she pulled the box to her.  “But you have to promise not to tell.” 

 

Her mother raised her hand and touched the pot of chili with the spoon like it was a Bible, saying, “I swear.”

 

Katelyn smiled and opened the box, dumping its contents on the table before tossing it aside.  Now laying on the table were three books. 

 

“What are they?” her mother asked.

 

“They’re books, mom.”  Katelyn stated.

 

The older woman raised her spoon as if to strike.  “Watch it, missy,” she laughed.  “But really, what are they?”

 

“Well, two are Christmas presents…”  Katelyn pushed two of the books together, away from the other one. 

 

“Already?  Honey, it’s not even Thanksgiving yet.”

 

“Yeah, well I saw a deal and I thought ‘better to start early’ than be running around the week before Christmas like a madwoman, as usual.” 

Her mother laughed, shaking her head knowingly.  “Good point.  Who are they for?”

 

“Dad and Alyssa.  A history book about World War II for Dad and a book of new short plays for Alyssa.  But don’t you dare tell them, you promised!”

 

“Don’t worry, I keep my promises.  What, no book for me?” she pretended to pout. 

 

Katelyn rolled her eyes.  “Don’t worry, your gift will be here before Christmas if I have anything to do about it.”

 

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said, turning back to the pot of chili on the stove.  “And what’s the third book, then?”

 

Katelyn picked up the remaining book, saying, “It’s for me.”

 

“And it’s called…?”

 

Gazing at the cover, she smiled and answered distractedly, “It’s called Becoming You.”

 

“What’s it about?”

 

“It’s a book about finding yourself, who you truly are, where you belong.”  Katelyn replied dreamily.  Katelyn hoped it would help her figure out how to move forward with her life; living at home for three years after college wasn’t exactly her best-case scenario.

 

The older woman twisted around to smile.  “It sounds right up your alley, sweetheart.”

 

“Thanks, Mom,” Katelyn said, coming out of her mini-trance.  “I just hope I have time to read it.” 

 

“Oh, you’ll find a way,” she said, adding some pepper to the chili.  “You always do.”

 

Katelyn gathered all the books and stood, saying, “I better hide these before Dad comes home.”

 

Katelyn went back to her room, dropping Becoming You on her bed, and stowing the other two in a safe corner beneath her bed behind a box of old birthday cards.  Then she went back to the kitchen to help her mother set the table just in time for her father’s arrival. 

 

“I’m home!”  Katelyn could hear her dad yell.

 

Her mother responded, “Come in the kitchen, I was just finished cooking.” 

 

He walked through the doorway and collapsed in his chair.

 

“How was your day?” Katelyn asked as she sat at the table with her chili. 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”  He nodded in thanks to his wife as she put a bowl in front of him.

 

“Same here,” Katelyn said, adding shredded cheese to her chili. “My boss is driving me crazy.”

 

“Then maybe you shouldn’t work for him anymore,” he said. 

 

“It’s not that easy, dad.”

 

“Well, why not?” He asked. “Don’t tell me there are no other jobs out there for a finance major.”

 

“I’m trying,” Katelyn said, staring at her chili.  “It’s just… difficult.”

 

“I know,” he said, taking a bite.  “But still, Katelyn.”

 

Katelyn said nothing in response.  Her father watched her for a few moments before quietly saying, “I’m only trying to help you out…”  Katelyn did not voice any objections, so he shook his head and went for another spoonful.

 

Her mother sat down with her bowl.  After a few moments she announced, “I talked to Alyssa today.”

 

Nobody responded; Katelyn and her father continued to stare at their respective bowls.

 

“She’s doing really well,” she slowly continued. “She’s really starting to get into the swing of things.”

 

“Mmm,” Katelyn’s dad uttered while he lifted his spoon.

 

 “She’s only teaching two classes so it’s not too intense.  And she had a meeting yesterday with the principal about letting her put on a show in the spring.”

 

The school that Katelyn’s sister Alyssa taught at in Lincoln had never had a very big theatre department in the past, so she was trying to instigate some change.  If she could turn it around, she could probably find a better-paying teaching job somewhere else in the city in the future. 

Katelyn looked up from her food.  “What did he say?”

 

“He said yes!” she beamed.  “Apparently the kids really like her, so the principal said it would be great if she directed a spring show.”

 

“That’s great,” Katelyn said.  “I’ll have to text her congratulations.”

 

“It really is,” her dad added.  

 

The rest of dinner was pretty quiet.  Her mother kept bringing up mindless topics, like town gossip, but the only responses she could get were minimal.  After dinner, Katelyn helped her mother with the dishes and went back to her room to text her sister. 

 

After sending Alyssa “Congrats on getting the spring show!”  Katelyn sat on her bed and opened her laptop, deciding that she didn’t want to clean off her cluttered desk. She ordered that cashmere sweater she had been eyeing with her mom in mind; with this out of the way she was done with her initial Christmas shopping. 

 

Katelyn looked around her room.  She told herself that when she got her own place, she would paint the walls a neutral color.  And she wouldn’t put up any ridiculous posters; she wondered why she had never removed the ones still in her room.  She sighed.  After some hesitation, Katelyn emailed an old professor in Omaha about potential employment opportunities.  She searched for jobs in Lincoln, but only came across two good options.  She meant to send in her résumé, but her doubts about even hearing back from anyone made her pause.  How could her name on a screen make her stand out from any other applicants?  So Katelyn procrastinated with Facebook and Twitter. 

 

It wasn’t until almost ten o’clock that she got a text from her co-worker, Delilah.  Delilah was one of the tellers, only a year or two younger than Katelyn, with olive skin and stunning black hair.  The text said that some of her co-workers and some of Delilah’s friends were going to be at Pete’s—a local, laid-back bar.  Katelyn wasn’t really in the mood to drink, but she thought it couldn’t hurt to go out for a bit just to see everyone and then head back home. 

 

So, she closed her laptop, leaving the application pages for those jobs open; she could send in her résumés the next morning.  Then she got changed into a nicer shirt and a more comfortable pair of jeans, put her hair in a ponytail and touched up her makeup.  She grabbed her coat and purse, and walked out of her room. 

 

Her parents were in the living room.  Her dad was on the couch, laid out like a Roman Emperor with his feet up, reading a book; her mom was sitting in the armchair, folding a basket of laundry and listening to the iPod that Katelyn and Alyssa had bought her last Christmas. 

 

“Hey,” Katelyn said, waving her hand to get their attention. “I’m going out for a little bit.  I’ll see you later.” 

 

“Bye sweetie,” her mom said.  “Be safe.”

 

“I will,” Katelyn said as she made her way to the door.

 

“Love you,” her mother added.

 

Katelyn stopped for a moment to turn around and say, “Love you, too.” 

 

Her father opened his mouth for a moment, but then closed it again. He made a small smile at his oldest daughter.  Katelyn smiled at both of them, then opened the door into the night.

 

She threw her stuff on the passenger seat, convinced the car’s engine to start up, and pulled out of the driveway.  Katelyn drove with the radio on low.  It was playing some pop or alternative station, she couldn’t really tell.  It all sounded similar to her.  She pulled up to Pete’s, where the big neon sign was flickering on and off.  She parked in the small lot next to the building and walked to the front door. 

 

Katelyn opened it up and walked inside.  The place was dimly lit, the paneled walls decorated in beer posters and neon signs and a few University of Nebraska posters.  There were only a few people at the bar; Delilah and her friends were at the back, sitting around one of the high, circular tables. 

Katelyn strolled over and tapped Delilah on the shoulder.  Delilah whipped around, her eyes getting big when she saw Katelyn standing there. “Katelyn!  You made it!” 

 

 

“Yeah,” Katelyn shrugged, “I thought I’d come out for a little bit.”

 

“Awesome!  Everyone,” Delilah said, turning back to everyone at the table with a silly grin on her face, “you know Katelyn, I believe.” 

 

A few people said “Hey,” and the rest just waved.  Katelyn recognized most of them; a couple of her co-workers were present, the rest were other people around her age.  She had gone to high school with most of them.  

 

Delilah grabbed Katelyn’s shoulder, saying, “We were just about to buy another round, what do you want?”

 

“Oh, I don’t think I’m going to drink tonight, I’m not feeling so hot.”

 

“Oh come on, Katelyn,” Delilah said, “at least have one beer.”

 

“Um…” Katelyn hesitated, looking off towards the bar.  “Fine, one beer—whatever everybody else is drinking.”

 

“Yay!”  Delilah clasped her hand together, perking up.  “Pull up a seat, girlfriend!”

 

Katelyn shook her head, grabbed a chair, and sat between Delilah and a guy that looked familiar.  He was talking to a couple about work; something about factory equipment, it seemed.  Katelyn just sat in silence for a few minutes, jumping in on Delilah’s conversation about music whenever she could. 

 

She sipped slowly on her beer.  The conversations around her changed again and again, while Katelyn just threw out comments every so often, not really involved in any of them. 

 

After some time she got into a conversation with the man next to her.  She learned that he had only been a few years older than her in high school, but they had never officially met before.  His name was Gabe, and he worked at the power plant just outside of town.  He was nice enough, but Katelyn was too sober to be interested in him.  He kept having beers, and Katelyn had been drinking water for a while now. 

 

Their conversation fizzled out, so she checked her phone to see that it was close to one AM.  Katelyn decided it was time to get going.  Delilah was engrossed in a conversation with one of her friends about her love life, or lack thereof, but Katelyn pulled her attention away long enough to say goodbye. 

 

“Aw, you’re leaving?”  Delilah said, drawing out the “-ing” far too long.

 

“Yeah, I’m gonna head out,” Katelyn said.  “You’ll be okay getting home?”

 

“Oh, yeah.” Delilah waved her question away like it was an annoying fly buzzing around.  “Jenny’s driving me.”

 

“Okay,” Katelyn nodded.  Jenny, Delilah’s best friend from high school, had only had two beers, and hadn’t had anything to drink in the past hour and a half.  Katelyn knew they usually took care of each other, and that Delilah was in good hands.  “Well, see ya,” Katelyn said, hugging her.

 

“Bye,” Delilah dragged out, then kissed Katelyn on the cheek with a “Mu-ah!”  Delilah squinted, flashing a big toothy smile, and turned back to her conversation. 

 

Katelyn left the hazy bar and walked cautiously to her car.  She was used to walking to her car alone at night, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t prepared for the worst to happen.  She safely navigated the small parking lot and got to the door only to fumble with her keys.  A few tries later, she successfully got inside her car, and revved up the engine.  Before shifting to drive, Katelyn checked her phone, seeing that her sister had replied, “Thanks!! Can’t wait to see you in a few weeks!!!”

 

Katelyn smiled, closed her phone, and drove away from Pete’s Bar.  The street lights down Fourth Avenue did not seem to be as bright as usual.  Katelyn drove slowly down the usually busy street, just to be safe.  She turned the radio on, but flipping through the stations proved uneventful, so she just turned the volume down on some commercials.  She pulled up to the red light that meant she was half a mile from home.

She could hear a car approaching from somewhere, but couldn’t see it.  With the exception of the traffic lights, the entire intersection was dark.  All the street lights were out. 

 

The sound of the other engine grew louder, but still there was no sign of it.  She could now tell that the sound was definitely coming from her left.  She willed the light to turn green.

 

After another few agonizing moments of hearing the other engine grow louder, the traffic light obeyed.  It turned green, but Katelyn realized that the other engine hadn’t slowed down.  She still could not see it in the darkness.  Katelyn made a snap decision to try and reverse, but by then it was too late.  A truck without any headlights on swerved violently out of the darkness, smashing into Katelyn’s car door.

 

As her car spun out from the crash, Katelyn lost all feeling.  She heard her spine snap like a cannon shot, louder than the tremendous clang of screeching metal on metal.  Her broken body was limp, flung over sideways like a rag doll.  Glass was everywhere, mixing with the papers that had exploded from her briefcase that had been left in the backseat.  Katelyn gasped for air, choking on her own blood, unable to move.  Her eyes fluttered, tears mixed with the blood running down her head, and the wreck of pens and paper and metal and glass and crumbs and upholstery slid out of focus. 

 

 

A light was rapidly approaching behind her eyelids and Katelyn wanted nothing more than to be enveloped in its glow.  She struggled for life’s sweet breath, but she couldn’t reach it.  She tried to fight, but there was no winning.  The light swelled to a climax, and the remaining air in Katelyn’s collapsed lungs escaped through her torn lips.  There was nothing but the light now. 

 

 

Katelyn found herself back in her living room.  The early morning sunlight was peeking through the gaps in the curtains.  The doorbell rang.  Katelyn heard some grumbling from her parents’ room.  A few moments passed and her father entered the room in an oversized t-shirt and pajama pants.  He opened the door and squinted into the bright light. 

 

A police officer was standing on the front porch.  “I’m sorry to disturb you this early, Mr. Armstrong.”

 

“Wha—” Katelyn’s father rubbed the sleep from his eyes.  “What’s going on?”

 

“I wish I didn’t have to be the one to tell you this… There was an accident last night.”  He paused again.  “Your daughter, Katelyn, was hit by a drunk driver.  By the time the ambulance arrived, it was too late.  I’m—I’m so sorry.”

 

Katelyn’s father said nothing.  He stared at the man, his mouth hanging open, his eyes empty. 

 

Katelyn yelled, “Dad, no! I’m right here!”  She rushed to him, trying to grab his shoulders, but her hands passed through them like he wasn’t there. 

 

No—she wasn’t there.  The officer hadn’t lied.  She was dead. 

 

Tears in his eyes, her father mumbled for the officer to come in.  As he motioned for him to go into the kitchen, Katelyn tried to grab him, to tell him everything was alright, that she was still there.  But he couldn’t feel her.  He couldn’t hear her cries.

 

 

The room melted away and Katelyn was in her bedroom again.  Her mother was in the room, collapsed on the floor, crying and holding a teddy bear Katelyn had received on her first birthday.  Katelyn dropped to her knees and tried to hold her mom, but she could not touch her. 

“Mom…” Katelyn’s voice broke.  “Mom, I’m here.  Please—please don’t cry.”  Katelyn tried to wipe her mother’s tears from her face, even though she knew she couldn’t.  “Mom… I love you…” 

 

 

Katelyn was still in her bedroom, but her mother was gone.  It was the next day, and her sister Alyssa had just returned home.  Alyssa slowly entered and surveyed the room.  Katelyn suddenly felt anger.  Her little sister, of all people, shouldn’t have to go through this.  She tried to knock all her desk clutter to the ground, but her arms passed right through it.  She wanted to throw Becoming You at her stupid purple walls.  She aimed a worthless kick at the pile of laundry on the floor. 

 

Alyssa was sitting on Katelyn’s bed.  Her hands were clasped between her knees and she slowly bent forward as tears started leaking from her bright brown eyes, the identical matches to Katelyn’s.  Katelyn stopped her useless rampage and sat next to her sister.  She tried to put her arm around Alyssa’s shaking shoulders. 

 

“I’m still here,” Katelyn whispered.  “I’m so sorry.”  Katelyn blinked back her own tears.  “I’ll never leave you…”

 

 

The visions disappeared instantly, and Katelyn fell to her knees, back in the white nowhere.  Tears streamed down her face, her whole body was shaking, and she couldn’t seem to breathe.  She pounded at the ground with her fists, but she couldn’t feel the pain that she wished would come. 

She yelled out in frustration. Why hadn’t she hadn’t been able to change anything?  Why hadn’t she been able to stop the truck?  Why did this happen to her?

 

Then she felt a weight hit her stomach.  She would never see her family again.  When she had watched over her family as they mourned and prepared her funeral, it hadn’t felt permanent.  Even if they hadn’t been able to see or hear her, she could at least see them.    

Now, Katelyn was completely alone.  All she could do was cry. 

 

Katelyn cried for the people who she knew were missing her.  But she mainly cried for the places she would never get to see and the dreams that could never come true. 

 

After weeping for what seemed like hours, Katelyn managed to slow down to small sobs and open her eyes.  Down the invisible road, just visible on the horizon, was a silhouette of a person, unmoving. 

 

Somebody was waiting for her.

 

Katelyn shakily got to her feet, wiped her eyes, and set off down the path.  There was no turning back.